


If I Don't Come Home

by alittlebriton



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Background Luke Garroway/Maryse Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Magnus Bane, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2018-12-13 18:09:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11765499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlebriton/pseuds/alittlebriton
Summary: Magnus and Alec both need space and time to figure out what it means to be part of their communities and part of each other's lives in the wake of Valentine raising Raziel. It's not the smoothest of journeys, and it will pull them further apart than they thought.Building trust when it's been lost is the hardest thing to do, and starting over may seem simpler. But sometimes you can't stop yourself from going back home.Canon-divergent from 2x19 onwards. Book spoilers lie ahead (well, gleaned from the Wiki spoilers).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the marvellous @bumblebeesknees for the encouragement, betaing and general awesomeness.

 

 _"Don't matter what's written_  
_We can start all over again, all over again_  
_Oh, how can I get you all over my skin?_  
_My deep intuition tells me that I'm doing you wrong_  
_If I don't come home_  
_Just say you forgive me and don't let me go."_

 

“You have some nerve.” Izzy’s voice was pitched low but Magnus could hear the emotion behind it. “Showing up at the front door like this.”

“I’m here as the High Warlock, Isabelle.” 

She raised her eyebrows, still barring the entrance. “And I should give a damn because…?” 

“Let him in, Izzy.” Alec’s voice came from behind her, sounding tired. Isabelle’s scowl deepened, but she thrust the door open anyway.

“Magnus. What can we help you with?”

He looked at Alec for the first time in a week, meeting his eyes and then checking him over quickly. Alec’s body language gave nothing away, hands behind his back, his stance polite but seemingly relaxed- until Magnus caught the muscle in his jaw flexing. His heart thumped louder for a moment and then settled.

He tried to make his voice light and warm. “I’m here for a book.”

“New York Public Library is nearby.” Magnus blinked and shifted his gaze down to where Max had appeared, pushing past Alec with his arms folded, glaring at him. “Shouldn’t be too hard to find.”

“Max,” Alec said, exasperated. Magnus couldn’t hide his smile as he held up his hands in surrender.

“Woah, mini-Lightwoods. I come in peace.” 

“Max, please take Magnus to the library.  _Our_  library.” Alec gave Max a pointed look and then turned back to Magnus.

“Which book did you need?” 

Magnus smiled at him. “The Book of the White. Caterina mentioned that –“ 

“Fine.” Alec cut him off with a wave of his hand and turned on his heel. “You know where it is.”

Magnus stared at Alec’s retreating figure with his mouth slightly agape, feeling blindsided. Isabelle shut the door behind him and tilted her head to look at him.

“Were you really expecting anything different?” she asked, the sympathy in her low voice surprising Magnus. He only shook his head, his shoulders slumping. 

“We don’t like you very much right now,” Max told him solemnly. “But even we know that you didn’t come here just for a book. You better fix it, though.”

“Do you think I can?”

Izzy looked at Max and then back to Magnus, hesitating, before giving an elegant shrug. “I don’t know. He’s closed himself off again. Like he was before.”

Magnus nodded slowly. That felt like an Alexander thing to do. 

“Well, I better get my book. And then see what I can do about your brother.”

The Book of the White was where he’d been made to leave it after reviving Jocelyn, and it took barely five minutes to retrieve. He spent twenty more pacing the corridor outside the library, steeling himself before straightening his back and striding to Alec’s office, rapping on the doorway with his knuckles.

“What do you need, Magnus?” Alec asked without looking up from his screen.

“To see you. To know you’re ok.”

Alec sighed and looked up – but not at Magnus. Instead he focused in front of him, his mouth and shoulders tightening like he’s steeling himself for pain.

“I’m fine.” 

“Liar.”

He did look at him then, the hurt in his eyes giving way to anger. "You've been calling me that a lot recently."

Magnus held up two fingers in apology and crossed the room to lean on the arm of the couch, the Book of the White in front of him like a barrier. 

“Can we please talk about this? The war with Valentine is over. The Clave has granted us seats on the permanent Council. I love you. That hasn't changed."

Alec clenched his jaw.

"You can't turn our relationship on and off when it suits you."

“That’s not what I’m doing, Alexander. That’s not fair to me.”

“Isn’t it?” Alec stood up and mirrored Magnus’ posture against his desk, his arms folded in front of him, his ever-present frown on his face.

“There will always be a war. A mission. You said that to me before. So what’s to stop you from doing this again, the next time round? And the next? What, am I going to be forty-five and listening to the same reason for you to push me away so you can be your definition of a leader?” 

His voice was raw and tight, and Magnus wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch him, to make it all better. Alec’s gaze cooled at Magnus’ abortive move to step forward. 

“Alec, that’s different, I-“

“Is it? You left. Not because I wasn’t honest about the Soul Sword; that I could understand. I could fix that, or at least try.” Alec’s face twisted and he abruptly turned to the fire, hiding his expression from Magnus, his entire body taut and on edge. Magnus eyed him warily, a cold feeling creeping over him.

“Even though Valentine is dead...” Alec said slowly, like he was coming to some conclusion that he didn’t like. 

“You made the decision that you couldn’t love a Shadowhunter and protect the Downworld. But it always needs protecting. And so that feels like a permanent decision. About us.”

Magnus inhaled sharply. “No, Alec …” he shook his head but faltered as Alec whirled around, his movements jerky with adrenaline, fists clenched by his side. 

“You just don’t get it. You made it very clear that day that I wasn't enough and it  _destroyed_  me. I can’t trust you not to do it again. Don’t you see that?”

"That wasn't my intention -"

"You've also made your stance on intentions versus actions known." 

Magnus raised his eyebrows and acknowledged the hit with a small incline of his head. Dredging up painful memories of words spoken and ignored may not be productive, but he had to admit it was fair.

"Goddammit," he swore in a low voice. "Alec. We're making the same mistakes as each other. Can't we forgive each other? Can't we acknowledge that we're both at fault?"

Alec rolled his lips together, thinking, and for a moment, Magnus' heart lifted. But what he saw in Alec’s eyes made that hope wither.

"We can do that. I know we were both in the wrong. But I can't just... go back. I can't erase how you made me feel and I don't know how to get over the fear you won't do it again."

"Can't we at least try?" Magnus held his gaze, feeling his eyes start to burn. 

"Not right now," Alec shook his head, and then glanced away. "And it won't matter much anyway. I'm leaving."

Magnus straightened. "What?"

"I'm heading to the Los Angeles institute for three months. They have a significant demon problem and need additional hands. While I'm gone, Maryse will be back in charge." 

Magnus absorbed this information slowly, his mind returning to 'three months' like a stuck record. For the second time in an hour, he felt completely blindsided by Alec. Panic rose in his throat and he swallowed heavily to force it back down.

"But... you _are_ coming back?"

Alec sighed, his gaze darting away. There was a long moment where Magnus didn’t think Alec was going to answer him and his body trembled with adrenaline. His mind flashed unbidden to five seconds of him grabbing Alec to hold him, touch him, tell him he loved him, Alec smiling and kissing him in return. The potential to change Alec’s mind and make him stay. He blinked, and that fantasy future disappeared, resolving into Alec’s weary, pinched face as he turned back to face Magnus.

"This is my Institute. Plus, someone has to keep Clary out of trouble." 

"No other reason to return?"

"My family's here," he said steadily, face hardening. This wasn’t right. Alec wasn’t normally this evasive. 

"Alec -"

"What do you want me to say, Magnus? That it's going to hurt too much to see you and not be with you? It is. It does. I know exactly how that feels and it tears apart something inside of me. I can't -" Alec broke off and ran his hand through his hair, stepping closer to Magnus like he was drawn there by Magnus' own desires. 

"I can't heal enough to see my future clearly - our future - if I stay." And there was a question in his eyes, an unspoken hope and it was enough, just enough to calm Magnus' rapid pulse, the roar of his heart in his ears.

"Then go," Magnus managed after a strangled moment. He reached up to cup Alec's cheek and something warm slithered around his bones when Alec leaned into his touch and closed his eyes. 

He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss him and make it better, to take away the pain he caused and his own pain, to lose himself in Alec, to erase things said and actions taken, to hide himself in love. As if Alec could hear his thoughts, he shifted his weight back. 

"Don't," is all he said, his voice cracking. Alec opened his eyes, wide and dark and pleading. "Don't be cruel." 

And with that Alec walked out of his own office, leaving Magnus standing there, holding on to a book like it was his security blanket and not a flimsy excuse. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Magnus deals with the absence of Alec, witnesses something terrible and strangely wonderful, and has a discussion with Clary that doesn't revolve around him doing her a favour for free.

It took three days for Magnus to realise that Alec hadn’t said ‘I love you’ back. It took another few days and a twice-restocked bar before he managed to forget it.

He found himself waiting for Alec to call him, or at least text, to tell him he was leaving that day. But that never happened and two weeks passed before Magnus finally admitted that he had left without saying goodbye. 

Luke had to help him to get home that night, too drunk to make a portal. Or speak coherently. He woke up the next day in his own bed and a headache that rivalled the one he'd had after Marie Antoinette's wedding. When he managed to get out of bed on wobbly legs, he found Luke at his table, sipping coffee and reading something on his phone. 

"Good morning," he said dryly and Magnus winced. "You look like shit."

"Well hello to you too," Magnus retorted and lowered himself into a chair, staring at Luke's coffee until the man sighed and pushed it over to Magnus. The smell reminded him of Alec and he groaned and pushed it away.  

"You're going to have to pull yourself together," Luke told him, taking the mug back. "And I don't just mean today. We have a Council meeting coming up and at some point Alec will be back."

Magnus squinted at him suspiciously. "How do you know about Alec leaving?"

Luke held up his phone and pressed a few buttons for his voicemail. Magnus dropped his head onto his arms, folded on the table, when he heard his own slurred voice. 

"Lucien. Come have a drink with me. We'll toast to friends gained and lost. Mostly lost. Do you think Alec will enjoy the sun in LA? That's where he's gone, without saying goodbye. Isn't that rude of him? He always had terrible manners. Do you-" 

Magnus waved his hand without looking up and cut off the recording.

"You've made your point," he said, his voice muffled. 

"When I found you you were propped up next to a vampire who looked less than pleased to have finally got the attention of Magnus Bane only for him to be talking incessantly about a Shadowhunter. She handed you over to me with a smile and refused to give you her number."

He groaned again. "Killing me would be kinder." 

"Probably," Luke said, a touch too cheerfully for Magnus.  

"I just. I didn't think he would leave without saying goodbye." Magnus tilted his face up and sighed. "I don't know whether we keep underestimating each other or if this has just shown different sides of our personalities."

Luke paused with his mug halfway to his mouth. "You're too lucid. Did you magic away your hangover?"

Magnus ignored him. 

"Am I being a fool?"

"Often," Luke replied. "In this particular situation? I don't know."

"Well if you're just going to insult me I don't know why you stuck around." Magnus scowled at him and made some soothing green tea appear. 

"Someone had to make sure you weren't drinking yourself to death," Luke said with a pointed look. 

Magnus let him have the last word. He was feeling generous. 

Another week went past without him having to deal with the Institute, but it still felt like it was too soon before he was at its door again for another Council meeting. 

It felt odd, navigating the Institute’s corridors without knowing that Alec was nearby, without the possibility of seeing him or hearing his voice. It felt empty, despite the various leather-clad, scowling teenagers than ran past him. Magnus gratefully slunk in to the Council chambers next to Meliorn and took his seat, fingers drumming on the table. He heard Maryse's heels before he saw her. 

"Thank you all for coming," she said gravely and sat, passing them all files.  

He flipped his open. "What's this?"

"This," she said, opening her own, "is the file Alec left me with instructions to take you all through it. It's all the current information the Clave has on threats against the Downworld. He would like us to be prepared with a joint force strategy so we can systematically flush them out and eradicate them."

Magnus pressed his mouth together to prevent any expression from crossing his face. Given the look Raphael shot him, he didn't do a very good job. 

"This is Clave information?" Raphael asked for confirmation. 

"It's complete information?" Meliorn followed, more suspiciously. 

Maryse's face tightened. She clearly hadn't forgiven the Seelies. Hypocrite. 

"It's complete as far as I'm aware. I'm sure we can ask the new Consul for regular updates, seeing as the new Consul is Robert."

Luke's head jerked up from the file.  

"Robert's the new Consul?" He shifted in his seat. "You, um. You must be very proud." 

Maryse's face went blank and she smoothed her skirt. "Yes, well. I’m sure someone will pass on your congratulations."

"Goes to show that being in the Circle doesn't hurt your career possibilities," Magnus added and smiled with all the sweet venom he could muster. 

"Maybe we should go through the file," Luke said quickly and kicked Magnus under the table. 

The meeting went a little smoother after that, and although they weren't allowed to keep the files, Magnus felt progress had been made. At the very least, it showed that the Clave were taking threats against the Downworld seriously. Maybe there could be an alliance yet. Well. Baby steps. Magnus handed his folder back to Maryse and turned to go, but felt pressure on his arm.  

It was Luke, although he wasn't looking at Magnus.  

"Maryse," he said smoothly and Magnus could swear he saw colour appear high on her cheeks.  

"Lucien. Lovely to see you again. How are the new pack mates?" 

"Settling in well. I was sad to hear Alec wouldn't be with us for a while. Where's he gone again?"

"To LA." She practically beamed, straightening her back. Maternal pride radiated from her and it made her glow. "He was requested especially by the Blackthorns to help with their influx of aerial demons. He's training them in long range weaponry." 

"That's great," Luke said warmly. "Is he fitting in ok?"

"Well he's never been the best with new people," Maryse started and Luke snorted. She actually slapped his arm lightly. Magnus blinked. This felt surreal. 

"I know," she said. "You try raising four children when three of them are that rebellious. Alec's surliness was a blessing in his teenage years, I can tell you. But he seems to be happy enough when he calls me."

They started to walk to the door, Magnus trailing after them, forgotten. He was trying not to let his mind tell him Alec was happier in LA than here. Alec was happiest near his family, he reminded himself. He'd come back. He had to.

"I just had Clary, and she was fairly well-behaved. But the cubs. Well, they take rebellion to a whole new level."

"Oh, I'm sure. But with you as Alpha I'm sure you keep them in line."

"I try. You ever have any trouble with my pack, please call me immediately. I don't want them acting up again."

"Thank you Lucien," she turned and smiled at him. "Please don't be a stranger yourself. Now I find myself back in New York for however long, it might be nice to see some of the city."

Magnus blinked at them and pinched himself to check this wasn't some weird hallucination.  

"Then perhaps we could have dinner on Friday," Luke said. 

"I'd like that," Maryse smiled and flushed. Actually flushed. It was just for a second as she then turned to Magnus with a scowl. 

"Magnus," she nodded, spun on her heel and clicked away. 

He slowly wheeled around and looked up at Luke, gleeful shock all over his face. 

"Shut up," Luke growled and wrenched open the door. "And now you know more about what Alec is doing."

"Please don't tell me you're dating Maryse so I can get the inside scoop on what my ex is up to."

"What have I done to you to make you think I'm that kind of asshole?" 

Magnus shrugged. "Fair enough. I will be calling you on Saturday morning though. Just to see if there's a female voice in the background." 

He laughed as Luke strode off. His hands went to his phone and he'd unlocked it before he remembered he wasn't speaking to Alec. Or was he? Would texting be bad? Alec wanted space and yes, Magnus knew he probably needed it too, but. His mother dating Luke was something that should be shared. Unless Alec didn't want to know. Or felt his parents should be together. No, he'd been too upset and angry at Robert cheating. Magnus bit his lip, dithering over the screen before someone said his name. 

He looked up. 

"Biscuit. How are you doing?"

Clary lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “Ok, I guess. Did I just miss Luke?”

“Yes, he just left. Coming back from a hunt?” Magnus guessed, spotting ichor coating her trousers.

She looked down. “Ergh, yeah. Couple of Dahak demons. Council meeting go better than the last one?”

“Do you really want to get involved?” 

Clary gave him a hard look, her chin jutting forward. “Pretty sure I became involved when you sided with the Seelie Queen.”

“Oh, for Lilith’s sake. Why does everyone take that so personally?” He threw his hands up in frustration.

“Because she’s a manipulative bitch who toys with people’s lives and emotions like they mean nothing to her?” Clary answered rhetorically.

“Well, I don’t choose my political alliances based on who’s offended you and whichever boyfriend you have recently,” he retorted with an eye-roll. Clary being self-centred was nothing new, but her naivety was always grating.

“It kinda seemed like you chose them because of who offended _you_ though.”

“Alec didn’t _offend_ me, he _lied_ to me. He put me in danger. He put the Downworld in danger.” Magnus was close to yelling, but Clary didn’t seem ruffled.

“The Downworld is always in danger. The Shadowhunters are always in danger. Alec, Jace, Izzy, me – we’re not the ones who caused that. That’s Valentine.” 

“The Clave looking the other way is just as dangerous. Implicit approval of Valentine’s actions is just as dangerous,” Magnus hissed.

“Yes, the Clave sucks. And a lot of people thought – or think – Valentine’s goals are good. But we want to fight that as much as you do.”

“Really? You’re not the ones getting massacred every few years.”

Clary sighed and sat down on the steps. “I know. I’m sorry. But it’s hard, when I know that we want to help and protect the Downworld so much, and we can’t do that _and_ fight you _and_ fight the Clave all at the same time.”

He should walk away. Getting into yet another fight with another Nephilim was not on his to-do list. Not when he had a full bar at home and possibly some redecorating to do. Instead, he sat down next to her, already exhausted. 

“My decisions weren’t about you, or Alec. They were about the Clave and how the Clave has treated us for years.”

“The Clave lied – to us and to the Downworld. Whether or not Alec told you the moment he knew, it wouldn’t have stopped the fact that the Clave lied. You could have found out immediately or in a year, and that wouldn’t change. But you’re angry that he didn’t tell you.”

“I’m angry that he kept the Clave’s secret for them. He’s complicit,” Magnus stated, a little more harshly than he meant to. Clary placed a hand on his forearm in a manner meant to be soothing, he was sure.

“I mean, I’m on your side, Magnus. If I were in Alec’s place, I would have told the whole Council about the Soul Sword immediately.” Clary hesitated, like she was worried about what she was about to say next.

“But?” Magnus prompted her. “Come on, Biscuit. Don’t be shy.”

“But Alec is a lot smarter than me. And it’s not like he was wrong about it upsetting the Accords and making things worse, was he?”

Magnus was silent for a moment, feeling the fight drain out of him. 

“I felt betrayed,” he said softly. Clary’s head jerked to look at him.

“I felt betrayed by the one person I trusted most in this world. The person I relied on to do what was right, to keep me safe – to trust me in return. And he didn’t. He didn’t come to me and say ‘I know this, and I need you to know so we can work together to keep everyone safe’. He kept the Clave’s secret because, ultimately, he felt it was Shadowhunters’ business. That we can’t even be trusted to save our own lives because it might mean acting in a way the Clave doesn’t like. That only they have the authority and responsibility to save the Downworld, despite being our oppressors.”

Magnus sighed and met her eyes. “Tell me that you don’t think that’s fucked up.”

Clary looked stricken. “… yeah,” she said eventually when she found her voice, her hand creeping to hold Magnus’. “God, I’m so sorry Magnus. That’s awful. Can I… help in anyway?”

“Just don’t lose sight of what’s right,” he told her. “Never trust the Clave. Rely on your friends.”

“Are we still friends?” she asked, being serious.

He managed a smile. “Yes, Biscuit. And being my friend, maybe you can help me decide whether or not to text Alexander.”

“Why? Is there something wrong?”

“Well, something that goes against the laws of God and man is happening: Luke is taking Maryse on a date.” He let a small smile take over his face as he watched Clary’s expression of shock grow. 

“ _Lightwood_? Holy shit. And she agreed? But… Luke’s a werewolf! And she’s…”

“A giant racist, yes,” Magnus agreed, outright laughing now. “So can you see my dilemma? I so want to tell Alec this gossip but I have no idea if he’d want to hear from me.”

Clary bit her lip. “Well… from what I hear from Izzy and Jace, he’s ok. He bitched about the sun until Izzy told him to go buy sunglasses. He sounds busy, but I don’t know if…”

“He’s actually busy or making himself busy so he doesn’t think?” Magnus finished for her, and she nodded.

“Maybe… I don’t know, maybe text him just about this? It would at least remind him that you’re thinking about him.”

Magnus nodded. “Thanks, Biscuit.” 

She stood up and brushed dust off her clothes. “I gotta go get cleaned up and report back. You’ll be ok?” 

He rose as well. “Of course. You know where to find me if you need me.”

She stared at him critically. “You know, it’s not always about needing you. Sometimes it’s just good to see you.” 

“I’d say the same but every time you show up at my door, the world nearly ends,” he joked, just to make her smile.

“Now you sound like Alec,” she said, grinning impishly before she ran inside.

He looked back down at his phone and took a deep breath. 

<It appears your mother has a date with tall, dark and were-wolfy this weekend. Thoughts? Anything I can warn Luke about?>

He swirled his arm to make a portal and stepped through, calculating the time difference between New York and LA. Unexpectedly, his phone chimed nearly immediately, before he had time to take off his jacket and pour himself a drink.

<Avoid Spanish food. She likes Italian. Also: are we sure it’s my mother and not a shapeshifter?!>

Magnus laughed as he made himself a martini and collapsed on the sofa, feeling marginally better. This, this he could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to the wonderful @bumblebeesknees for beta-ing and championing!
> 
> Sorry there wasn't any Alec in this Chapter - next time, I promise.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Magnus learns that Alec is still looking out for him and Alec learns that drunk-dialing never leads to good things.

 

 

Magnus settled into some form of routine, allowing himself to be distracted by Raphael and the need to get Simon out of yet more trouble with another vampire clan, taking on more paying clients than he had in months. He avoided the Institute when he could. He didn't know if Isabelle - or Alec, for that matter - had told them not to bother him as much, but there was a decided lack of knocks on his door and dire warnings of the apocalypse. He almost missed it. 

Every morning he woke up and rose straight away, not wanting to spend more time than he had to in his cold sheets. He spent more nights back at Pandemonium after neglecting it for so long, ensuring the safety of the Downworlders there and getting caught up in their celebrations, dancing until he was exhausted enough to sleep. Even then, he slept with his hand cradled around his phone. 

Alec had been responsive enough to his messages, giving Magnus tidbits of info he'd found out from his mother when they texted after yet another of her dates with Luke. But he hadn't texted Magnus first. And Magnus had too much pride to ask Isabelle how he was. So he settled into this brittle truce, silently counting the mornings until Alec came back. 

Twenty two days to go, and he was roused from sleep by a rapping at his door. He swung it open blearily to find Jace on the other side, looking serious. 

"Magnus. We need your help."

Magnus raised one eyebrow. 

"Which we will pay for," Jace continued. 

Magnus opened his door wider. But Jace hesitated. 

"Before I come in, you might want to put on some clothes."

He looked down and then snapped his fingers for his robe. "Sorry."

"Oddly used to it," Jace grinned, clearly remembering a couple of mornings when he lived there. 

"Oh hush," Magnus grumbled and walked into his living room, summoning some tea. "What world-ending scheme have you got yourself into now?"

"Someone's opened another rift. We've contained most of the demons but we need you to close it again. Sorry." 

Magnus stared at him. “You never apologise.”

Jace had the grace to look sheepish. “Yeah, well. Alec went very ‘Head of the Institute’ on us before he left and told us we had to stop asking you to fix every little thing.”

“That was very considerate of him,” Magnus managed, like his chest hadn’t become tight and hot.

“More than you deserve in my opinion,” Jace scowled and Magnus rolled his eyes in response.

"Give me two minutes." He sipped at his tea as he padded back to his bedroom to get ready. 

The rift was smaller than the previous one, open for less time and cordoned off by a perimeter of Shadowhunters on the lower East Side. He could spot Clary’s hair flying as she took down a demon poised to spring at Isabelle, and the girls high-fived each other before they turned back to the rift.

“Hey, you came!’ Clary exclaimed as she got closer to Magnus.

“I said we’d pay him,” Jace pointed out.

“Still.” She reached up and kissed Magnus’ cheek, ignoring Jace and Izzy’s expressions. “It’s very nice of you to help us.”

He patted her cheek. “Thank you Biscuit. Now get out of the way and watch out for anything that comes through.”

Sealing the rift took power but not concentration, so he could make sure nothing was about to leap through and try to take off their heads. He was more concerned with the way Jace kept grimacing and being uncharacteristically quiet. He'd just about finished the seal again, ignoring the hum of the refuse collectors as they took to the city's streets, when Jace rubbed his parabatai rune and muttered "oh for fuck's sake, Alec," and then looked up guiltily. 

"Is Alexander ok?" Magnus asked, dropping his hands as he finished. 

"Yeah. Yes." Jace looked oddly hesitant and glanced at Izzy. 

"Jace?" she asked. 

"I'm pretty sure he's drunk." And then Jace started to laugh. "He's only done this a couple of times, but he can't control his feelings through the bond when he's had too much to drink."

"What is it like?" Clary sounds intrigued. "I never knew Alec would let himself get drunk."

"So I keep getting these waves of giddiness, like he’s having a really good time, or talking or doing something he loves." Jace winced again. "Then a few minutes later comes the guilt, and every so often, sheer misery. The giddiness is fun. The others are not." He shot Magnus a look that clearly said he blamed Magnus for this. 

"Well," Magnus started brittlely after a few seconds of awkward silence. "I'll send my bill to the Institute. If you no longer need me."

He nodded at them, opening up a portal to the Institute for them and one back to his loft for himself, ignoring the pity on Isabelle's face.  

He stepped through to find the sun beginning to hit his balcony with the promise of a beautiful new day and he walked straight through to his bedroom, waving the curtains shut and throwing himself on his bed, reveling in the darkness. He wished he felt less guilty. Less petty. His phone beeped, and he sighed and reached for it. Probably confirmation of his payment. It took a couple of seconds for the message to make sense to him. 

<i miss you> 

His phone buzzed again almost immediately.  

<fcuk no shoul t have snt that>

Magnus waited. 

<but its tru>

He broke out into a broad smile and rolled on his back. 

<I miss you too>

<u shouldnt send things like that either>

<I know. But it's true.> 

His phone rang and he answered immediately. He could hear some kind of scuffle on the other end and a voice saying "friend don't let friends drunk dial, Alec" but clearly Alec won because Magnus was graced with the sound of him breathing and the music receding in the background. 

"Hi."

"Lightwood? More like light _weight_."

"Yeah yeah," Alec grumbled and Magnus laughed. 

"How late it is where you are?"

"Maybe two? Dunno. Late. Early. We went to drink after demons."

"I can tell," Magnus said, delighted. "And drinking made you think of me."

There was a silence at the other end. 

"Alexander?" He wondered if Alec had dropped the phone. 

"Everything makes me think of you," came Alec's voice, raw and painfully honest. Magnus' heart pounded in his chest. "I can't stop. Even when I try."

"I don't want you to stop," he said when he got his tongue to work again. "I want you to come back to me." 

Alec sighed. "I want that too. But you'll break my heart again."

"No I won't." He rolled over again, a sudden fierceness threading through his veins. "We have to talk about it, Alec. But I want us to work it out."

"I wanted us to do that too but you walked away." Alec sounded so exhausted. "You didn't choose me. I-"

Whatever it was he was about to say was cut off and another voice appeared.  

"Hi. I assume this is Alec's ex. I'm really sorry, we couldn't get the phone off him."

“Magnus,” Magnus corrected after a moment’s pause, too blindsided by his new relationship status said so casually to get mad at having that conversation interrupted. Is that how Alec talked about him now? As ‘the ex’? It seemed so… dispassionate. Final. He collected himself and tried to sound as gracious as he could. "It's quite alright. Is he ok?"

"Yeah. Sara's got his arms pinned and we're prepared for the next mood swing." There was a pause.  

"We've never met but I like Alec. A lot. He's a good guy. And he's told me some of what went down. So."

Magnus sighed. "Am I getting another shovel talk?"

"Nah. I just wanted you to know that he's hurting. A lot. Not just because you hurt him. But he feels guilty. He's very good at that." 

Magnus laughed despite his annoyance. "He is." 

"Hey Matty," he heard Alec slur in the background. "We should get back."

 _Matty_ , whoever he was, heaved a sigh. "Oh, so you can make my bed smell like a brewery again?"

Magnus went cold, his entire body stilling, his mouth drying, his mind fixing on the word 'again'. Again. As in, had happened before. A rustle of movement muted any words being said on the other end of the line, but it became clear again and Alec came back. 

“We gotta go. I’m gonna hate myself in the morning for this so can we please pretend none of this happened?”

He gathered himself enough to reply. “Whatever you want, Alexander. I’m still glad you called.”

For a second, Magnus thought Alec was going to say something else, tell him he misses him again, that he loves him. He could hear the harshness of Alec’s breath and waited for him to speak, but then the call abruptly changed into silence and he realized Alec had hung up instead. He stared at his phone for a while but it didn’t buzz again, the screen fading into darkness.

He didn’t hear from Alec again, not even when he texted him first. It didn’t stop him from grabbing at his cell every time it chimed, ignoring the looks Luke and Raphael gave him. It took a whole week and a single text message from Isabelle to break him of that habit.

<Alec’s staying an extra month in LA. Thought u should know. Izzy x>

Forty-five days to go.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to @bumblebeesknees for being the best cheerleader!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alec avoids Magnus, Magnus avoids the point and it gets a little worse before it gets better.

Magnus was only half-listening to Luke as he added a dash of benzoin into the elixir he was concentrating on, turning down the heat to allow it to simmer without bubbling.

“… so of course I had to essentially find a sitter because Bat is still freaking out over his transformation, and with Maia at work and worried about Simon, there’s few reliable packmates I trust to calm him down.” Luke sighed, and put down his beer. “Not to mention, a Lightwood family dinner? I was already nervous as hell.”

“But look at you now,” Magnus remarked drily. “All part of the family. Shadowhunter outcast no more.”

Luke gave him a dirty look.

“You should be nicer. If you and Alec get back together, I could end up your step-father in law.”

Magnus started to laugh. “Oh, god, what a horrendous thought. And wouldn’t that make Jace and Clary semi-related again?”

“Ergh,” Luke grimaced. “Like that wasn’t already a topic of discussion at the dinner table. Max is a troublemaker.” Magnus nodded at that. The youngest Lightwood had a smart brain and a smarter tongue and absolutely no sense of self-preservation.

“Thank god for Alec, is all I can say. He was wonderful at smoothing ruffled feathers.”

Magnus turned his head so fast he heard his bones crack. “Alec was there?!”

Luke raised his eyebrows. “Yeah. I thought you knew. He came back a couple of days ago.”

He just stared at him, slightly open-mouthed. He’d had no idea Alec had come back. Day forty-two was today. He hadn’t been expecting Alec to be early. It took a minute for him to gather himself, shimmying his shoulders to literally try to shake it off.

“I didn’t know.” His voice sounded small, to his embarrassment, and he looked down to prevent himself from seeing the pity on Lucian’s face. “I. Is he… does he seem alright?”

“He was fine. On good form. I really thought he had spoken to you.” Magnus nodded, still lost in his thoughts. Alec hadn’t asked after him, then. Luke would have said. His stomach twisted and his fingers twitched, every instinct telling him to make a portal to the Institute then and there to at least see him.

“Magnus. Hey, Magnus.” He looked up to find Luke leaning forward, his face full of concern. “I’m sure he just wanted to see his family first before seeing you. Get caught up on Institute business. That kind of thing.”

Magnus smiled, although his heart wasn’t in it. “Of course. I wouldn’t expect him to run to my side the minute he got back into town,” he lied.

“And he has to deal with settling Mateo in. I doubt he wanted to leave his friend for too long.”

He blinked rapidly, every hair on his body rising as his skin froze. “Mateo is with him?”

Luke nodded with a small smile. “Yeah. It’s kind of sweet, actually. Apparently, your little stunt at the wedding gave Mateo the courage to come out himself. He practically worships Alec. Alec says he feels responsible for him.”

The art deco glass vase to the right of Lucian shattered in a shower of red sparks.

“Fuck!” Magnus sprang to his feet and waved his hand to clear the mess, turning back to Luke. “Are you ok?!”

Luke was also now standing, looking bemused and concerned. “I feel I should be asking you that question. What the hell is going on with you?”

Magnus sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. Lilith, he felt tired.

“I’m just working too hard, that’s all.” The lame excuse hung in the air between them, until Luke nodded slowly.

“Uh huh. Sure. You should probably get some rest. Wouldn’t want you over-tiring yourself.” Magnus gave him a dark look.

“You can stop being an asshole now.”

“Sure, but can you?” Luke grinned and finished the rest of his beer, putting the bottle down and picking up his jacket. “I should go. I have work tomorrow and you have work now.”

“Well, thanks for stopping by. It’s been illuminating,” he said with all the sparkling sarcasm he could muster.

Luke chuckled. “You know, if you ever wanted to know why you and Alec work so well together, it’s because you’re both spiky as hell and somehow manage to smooth each other’s rough edges until you’re almost decent people.”

Magnus rolled his eyes and clicked his fingers to open the door as Luke put on his jacket.

“Plus, you both do that so often I think you’re gonna get eye-strain.”

With that, Luke gave him a nod and walked out. Magnus shut the door and slumped back onto the couch in an elegant heap. He stared blankly out the doors of his balcony and chewed his lip. Mateo being with Alec didn’t mean anything. He might not even be the same Matty he’d spoken to. No need to feel this creeping dread and hollowness in his stomach. Still, it was a couple of hours before he even remembered the elixir, simmered down to an unusable mush.

Fewer than forty-eight hours later, he stood in front of the Institute doors, smoothing the fabric of his clothes reflexively. The blood-red of his nails matched the shirt he was barely wearing underneath his velvet black coat; dressed to remind Alexander what he was missing with an added hint of ‘this may not be available for too long so hurry the fuck up’ about it. Or at least, that’s what he’d thought when he’d put it together. Now, he was worried it simply screamed ‘Hi, I’m still mad at you but also I desperately missed you’.

Not that that was incorrect.

He huffed a sigh at his own histrionics, and pushed his way inside, marching down the corridor to reach the Council room. His gaze gravitated to the familiar sight of Alexander, standing with his hands behind his back, laughing at something Luke was saying to him, Raphael scowling nearby. His step faltered.

It wasn’t that he’d forgotten what Alec looked like – he had enough photos for that, and magic if he really needed it. But he’d forgotten the movement of him, how his presence made everything else around Magnus faded and fuzzy. He’d forgotten the cadence of his laugh and the way he would rub his thumb over his hand when he was nervous.

Wait, why was Alec nervous?

Alec turned and caught sight of Magnus and he straightened up, stopping in mid-sentence. Magnus’ gaze flicked to his throat as Alec swallowed.

“Magnus. You look…” Alec trailed off and Magnus decided to take pity on him.

“I know, darling. Too divine for someone part demon.”

He watched in triumph as the corners of Alec’s mouth threatened to waver into a smile.

“Something like that.”

His gaze flickered over Alec without meeting his eyes, focusing instead on Alec’s Deflect rune as he wrapped his arms around himself. “You’re looking well. The sunshine clearly suited you.”

Alec cleared his throat and shifted his weight to his other foot.

“Yeah. I, um. We came back earlier than I expected.”

Magnus raised his eyebrows. “And here I thought it was only for three months.” He didn’t wait to see what came out of Alec’s mouth next, holding up two fingers to stop him.

“But then, when you’re young, or immortal, I suppose time doesn’t matter as much. Shouldn’t we be starting the meeting?”

He turned on his heel before he could dwell on the look Luke and Alec exchanged and went to his seat.

“Am I going to be left here again because you’ve flounced out early?” Raphael asked as he slid into the seat next to him, leaning closer to Magnus to keep his voice low.

Magnus glared at him. “One, I don’t flounce. Two, you could have stood up and come with me that one time. Three, no.” He settled back in his chair and affected a bored expression. Stupid vampire hearing.

The Council meeting was more of the same, reporting on the latest from Alicante, updating Alec on where they all were with the various hate groups they were trying to take down, mentions of rising demon activity in the Lower East Side. Magnus spent most of his time watching Alec from underneath his lashes and trying not to show it, his gaze trailing over every movement, lingering on his tanned forearms. He could tell Raphael and Luke were covering for his uncharacteristic silence, but he was trying to drink it all in; the twitch of Alec’s lips when Raphael was bitchy about the Seelies, the gravel of his voice when he spoke about the Clave’s latest fight against progress, the inclination of his head when Luke said something sensible and the movement of his hands, always so expressive.

Alec was bringing the meeting to a close when the door opened. Magnus paid no attention to the newcomer, still focused on Alec’s face, but he noticed when a hand slid over Alec’s shoulder and the Shadowhunter bent close to whisper something in his ear. Very close. There really wasn’t a need for him to be that close to Alec, nor was there a need to keep his hand on his shoulder, practically caressing him.

He looked at the Shadowhunter for the first time, taking in his full mouth and turned-up nose, dark wide eyes and close-cropped hair. He was cute – beautiful, even, and Magnus hated him with a fierceness that froze his veins.

Next to him, Luke cleared his throat. “You’re glaring,” he muttered under his breath.

“Oh, a werewolf is going to tell me off for being territorial,” he hissed back and then beamed at Alec beatifically when he glanced over at the two of them with a frown.

“All ok over there?” Alec asked, getting to his feet and nodding at the Shadowhunter – _Matty_ , Magnus presumed unless other Nephilim had come to their senses and realised how astonishing his Alexander really was.

“Everything’s wonderful, darling,” Magnus replied and watched as Matty’s mouth tightened at the sound of his voice. Bingo.

“If you don’t mind,” Alec nodded to each of them, lingering worriedly when he met Magnus’ eyes, “I won’t see you out. I have a small matter to attend to.”

Luke at least waited until Alec and Mateo had left the room before rounding on Magnus. “Are you going to do something stupid? It feels like you’re about to do something stupid.”

Raphael nodded, looking around the room like he sensed something. “It does feel like that, doesn’t it? Something in the air.”

Magnus gave both of them the coldest look he could muster. “Don’t you both have female Lightwoods to annoy?”

He wasn’t sure if waiting in Alec’s office was stupid or not. But he’s not seen him for nearly four months and he wanted to know if Alec still missed him. If there had been enough time and space to them to maybe start to come back together. If Alec was sleeping with Mateo.

Or worse, falling in love with him.

Magnus shook his head, trying to rid himself of that thought. But Alexander allowed so few people to touch him with such familiarity like that, to crowd his space. Magnus couldn’t erase the sight of his hand squeezing Alec’s shoulder.

He stopped pacing in front of Alec’s desk and looked up when he heard footsteps, and Alec faltered mid-pace when he saw him. It took a moment for him to get his expression under his control, his eyes widening in shock and perhaps a little fear before he continued and sat behind his desk.

“Magnus. Anything I can help you with?”

“Oh, nothing much,” Magnus started breezily. “Did you get that small matter attended to? Although I doubt Mateo likes being referred to as such. He’s pretty in a Wentworth Miller sort of way.”

Alec stared at him. “….what?” he finally asked, his voice faint.

Magnus made an ‘oopsie’ face and gestured dismissively. “Oh, you probably don’t get that reference. Have you checked to make sure he’s not Clary’s cousin or other family member? New Shadowhunters tend to set my teeth on edge, but you certainly seem comfortable in his presence.”

Alec slowly got up, shaking his head, putting out his hand to halt Magnus’ tidal wave of words.

“Ok, stop. Mat isn’t evil. What are you… why are you here?”

“I haven’t seen you in four months, you didn’t tell me that you were staying longer, you didn’t tell me you’re back in town and you brought your very close friend with you. I don’t know why I’m here. Because from where I’m standing, you seem to be doing everything you can to hurt me and that feels unfair.” He was aware he was whining. But he couldn’t stop the words from falling out of his mouth.

Alec raised his eyebrows. “It feels unfair,” he repeatedly, looking at Magnus incredulously. Magnus nodded, biting his tongue.

“Unfair.” Alec took a deep breath and Magnus suddenly felt cold, the hairs on the back of his neck rising like he’d walked into a dead end to find a very scared and cornered werewolf.

“Let’s talk about unfair,” Alec nodded, looking down at his desk. “Do you remember how you kept at me before my wedding? Raziel, you just wouldn’t let it go. I found it infuriating. But also astonishing. That you kept pursuing me, when you could have had anyone.” Magnus furrowed his brow, not following Alec’s train of thought, but not wanting to risk interrupting him.

“And I kissed you in front of the Clave despite what that meant for my reputation. And I did it for my happiness, I know – but I also did it because _you_ hadn’t given up on me. You turned up in the middle of my wedding looking like everything I’ve ever wanted despite saying you wouldn’t.”  
  
A small shard of hope pierced Magnus’ chest, and he tried a faltering smile. “Alexander. Are you telling me you find reliability romantic?”

Alec finally raised his head and looked at Magnus with an unreadable expression.

“That is the kind of thing I’d find romantic,” he agreed gravely. “But I won’t ever know. Because you gave up on me the minute things got rough.”  
  
Ice washed down his spine, freezing him in place to just gape at Alec, guilt and anger warring until anger won out, rising to buzz under his skin.

“How dare you. I didn’t give up on you! You lied. You lied to me about something that would have destroyed me. Destroyed my friends, the whole of the Downworld!”  
  
“I didn’t tell you so that the Downworld wouldn’t go to war against the Clave. Because I didn’t want to panic anyone. And because the damn thing was deactivated so it didn’t make a huge amount of difference!”  
  
Alec slammed his hand down on his desk with frustration and Magnus curled his hands into fists, fighting down what he wanted to say. He took a few deep breaths and counted to ten before speaking.  
  
“Alec, I didn’t come here to fight with you. But you have to understand how much you hurt me. You betrayed my trust. And I trusted you beyond anyone else, when I didn’t think I’d ever trust anyone again.”

Alec nodded, his gaze still on his hand where it rested on the wood. When he looked up he looked older than before.

“I understand that. I really do. And I’m so sorry.”

“So why can’t we move past this?”

He straightened up and looked at Magnus with something akin to pity. “Because. You told me you were all for effort. And then you didn’t even try. You made me feel like I wasn’t worth making an effort for. And you’ve never once apologized for breaking your word to me.”

Magnus gaped at him, momentarily lost for words.

“I shouldn’t have to say sorry for making a choice to protect the lives of Downworlders.”

Alec closed his eyes briefly. “That’s not what I want you to say sorry for. And you know it. But, god, you just can’t admit when you are wrong, can you?” He shook his head.

“Get out.” He jerked his head towards the door.

“Alec – “

“No. Get out.”

Magnus clenched his jaw and straightened his back, stalking to the door without another word. He wrenched it open and slammed it satisfactorily behind him. Who did Alec think he was, to order the High Warlock of Brooklyn around so? To tell him to leave?

He stormed down the corridor, ignoring anyone else, trying to cling on to his righteous anger all the way home, throwing his coat off in a fury and summoning a glass of neat vodka. But his mind kept slipping to Alec’s face, tired and wan. To his voice when he told Magnus he hadn’t felt worth the effort. That Magnus had made him feel that way. How defeated Alec had seemed.

And, a voice inside his head told him, it wasn’t as if what Alec said wasn’t true. He hadn’t felt he could be both his lover and protect his people – but he hadn’t _tried_ to do both. He’d made a decision instead, between them. But that hadn’t worked out anyway, and he’d been left betrayed by the Clave, his boyfriend and then the Seelies. And in the end, only one of those had apologised.

“Fuck,” he said aloud in his empty living room. How the hell did they come back from this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to @bumblebeesknees as always! This chapter was a slight headache for me and I'm on holiday hence the lateness. I hope you enjoy it though!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there's apologies and heartbreak and it gets much, much, hella worse before it can get better.

Magnus sulked. He knew he was sulking as well, which made it worse. And what was the cherry on the irritating sundae was that he knew he was sulking because he had done something wrong and he didn’t want to acknowledge it and apologise. And Raphael was ignoring his calls and Cat was working. So he did what he normally did in these circumstances.

“Luke, I think I fucked up.”

“This week, or have you realized one of your many mistakes?” Luke’s answer was smooth and smug and Magnus glowered.

“With Alexander, if you’d stop being rude.” 

“Well, we all knew that.” 

“I didn’t.”

“You probably should have.” Despite his words, Luke’s voice held no judgement. 

“I know, and that’s what makes it worse.” He sat on the bed, shoulders slumping. “I pushed him away and let him think I didn’t want to try – and I guess then I was too angry and I didn’t – but that was the wrong decision.”

“You were angry, I get that. Nephilim put me through some of the worse times of my life, and when I turned – well, you know how no one was there for me. But Alec isn’t like them.” Magnus could hear the clink of mugs and a soft murmur. 

“Someone with you, Lucian?”

He could practically hear the eye-roll down the phone. “Yes, I have company. And – oh, ok, you sure? – um, company that wants to talk to you.”

Magnus had barely opened his mouth to protest, not wanting another lecture from Clary or, Lilith forbid, Simon, before a low female voice cleared her throat.

“Magnus, it’s Maryse. I’m sure I’m the last person you want to hear from, and I promised my son that I wouldn’t interfere.”

He had to stop himself from falling off the bed in shock. “But you’re going to anyway?”

A note of irritation crept into her voice. “I’m going to explain how this is partly my fault and apologise.” 

Magnus blinked in surprise. “You are? _You_ are. Did I accidentally enter a different dimension?”

“Magnus,” twin voices growled at him. He sighed. 

“Great, I’m on speaker. Go ahead Maryse.” He waved his hand airily even though she couldn’t see it.

“Thank you,” she said stiffly. “What I wanted to say was… Alec has always had a lot of expectation put on him by myself and his father. We expected – needed – him to redeem the Lightwood name.”

Magnus snorted but she ignored him and continued.

“So he’s always lived under pressure. Too much pressure, if I’m honest. And somewhere along the way, we forgot to tell him that he was enough. That he was loved just the way he was.” She sighed, her voice growing heavy.

“And that is my fault, mine and Robert’s. We wanted him to be perfect so he could wash away _our_ sins, but we needed to love him despite any mistakes he made and respect him for his choices. And we do now, but only because he pulled away so much we nearly lost him. It took that to make me come to my senses.”

Magnus was barely breathing, his mind whirling, the ache in his chest growing sharper.

“Magnus, if you love him – and I know you do, I’ve seen it and I’ve seen how much he loves you – you have to love him for all of him. You have to let him know that he has nothing to live up to. That he alone is enough.” She cleared her throat, her voice failing her as it became choked. 

“Anyway. That was all.” There was the sound of rustling and movement, and Luke came back on the line.

“I’m going to have to go, as you’ve made my girlfriend cry,” he said without rancor. “You going to be ok, buddy?” 

He hummed and let out a weak laugh. “Define ok. Lucian… thank Maryse for me. I can’t believe that sentence left my mouth, ergh. Anyway, I’m going to work on how I repair this. Because I have to repair it.”

A night spent in the DuMort and an extremely annoyed Raphael later, Magnus straightened his waistcoat and raised his hand to knock on the door of the Institute. A suspicious Shadowhunter opened it and sniffed. 

“Oh. It’s you. Come in then.”

Magnus has no idea who they were but he swept in anyway with a nod of thanks. 

“You know your way around. Unless you want an escort to Lightwood’s office?”

She raised a disdainful brow so elegantly Magnus was impressed.  

“No, Shadowhunter. I know my way around. But thank you for the generous offer of guarding me - or guarding others from me.”

She levelled a dirty look at Magnus and he laughed before heading down the corridor towards Alec’s office. He could see his dark head bowed over a file and he was scribbling furiously, his shoulders hunched and tight. It was such a familiar sight he had to take a breath, his chest tightening painfully. 

Magnus shook himself and rapped his knuckles lightly on the door, holding his hands up when Alec raised his head with a scowl. 

“I come in peace.”

Alec’s expression lightened but his frown was replaced with a weariness that felt too old for such a young face. 

“Promise?” He tried to joke but it fell flat and he grimaced. “Raziel, sorry. Come in Magnus.”

Magnus took a few hesitant steps into the room and then took a deep breath. 

“I’ve come to apologise.”

Alec said nothing but his entire body went still, like it was bracing itself for an attack. Magnus cleared his throat and made himself look Alec in the eyes.

“Not only for yelling at you the past few times we’ve met. But for letting you down. For walking away. For not thinking... about how that would make you feel beyond the superficial. I didn’t mean for our break up to feel like I was giving up, or that you weren’t worth the effort. That wasn’t what it was about, for me. And I’m sorry that I made you feel that way. I’m sorry I didn’t try to fight for us.” 

Absurdly, he felt like turning and running out of the room, wanting to leave instead of staying to hear Alec’s pronouncement, his judgement on his apology. But Magnus had never been a coward, and he wasn’t going to run away from them again.

Alec’s eyes had gotten wider as he spoke and he’d leaned further and further back in his seat, like Magnus’ words had weight, pushing him against the back of his chair. When Magnus finished, shifting his weight from foot to foot, Alec blew out a breath and ran his hand through his hair, looking down at his desk for a moment as if to gather himself. 

“Thank you,” he said simply, and stood up, walking around his desk to stand in front of Magnus. His hazel eyes were clear and sincere and already held the forgiveness Magnus craved.

“Thank you for saying that. Thank you for meaning it.”

Magnus managed a small smile and told his hands to stop shaking. 

“You could tell I meant it?”

“I know you.” Alec shrugged and a slight flush of colour appeared on his cheeks. 

“Yes, you do.” Magnus hesitated for a moment before he risked touching him, cradling his cheek, and had to press his lips firmly together when Alec leaned into his hand and moved closer. Instinctively he opened his arms and then he had Alexander wrapped around him, holding him tightly. He gripped the back of Alec’s jacket and hung on, allowing the warmth of his body to stop his own trembling.

“Lilith, I missed this,” Magnus whispered into Alec’s shoulder, and was rewarded with a stronger squeeze that pushed the breath from him. 

“I missed _you_ ,” Alec whispered back and Magnus shuddered with relief.

“I still don’t understand a lot of how we got here, Magnus. I don’t, I won’t lie. But thank you for apologizing. I know you hate doing that.” Alec stepped back, breaking Magnus’ hold on him and smiled crookedly at him.

“What’s still haunting you, Alexander? We can’t fix it if we don’t talk about it.”

He blew out a breath, sitting on the edge of his desk, and cupped the back of his neck, wincing. "I guess I didn’t understand how, despite saying you love me, you were able to declare war on me. On my family."

"On the Clave. Never on you." 

"Most Downworlders don't distinguish between the Clave and Shadowhunters. Did you really expect me not to protect them?" Alec countered with a skeptical look.

"The Clave wouldn't care if all Downworlders died. Did you really expect me not to protect them?" Magnus raised his eyebrow, a hard edge returning to his voice.

Alec's shoulders slumped and he looked at the floor. "I guess..." he started in a small voice. "I guess I thought you'd try to help me change their mind."

Magnus was reminded again of how young Alec really was, of how much he didn’t know. How unlikely it was that the Clave was ever going to change their mind about Downworlders, no matter how many well-meaning Nephilim tried. It wasn’t worth explaining, because Alexander believed he could change the world and make it better. It’s one of the reasons he fell in love with him in the first place. Arguing against it felt blasphemous to them both.

“I really don’t want to fight again, Alexander. I came to say I’m sorry for letting you down,” he finally replied gently.  “And I want you to know that I didn’t find you... lacking, or anything like that. It’s wasn’t like I got bored or felt you weren’t worth it. You know that, yes?”

Alec’s mouth twisted into a wry moue. “Know it, yes. I guess. Feeling it. That’s different.”

“How can I fix that?” Magnus whispered, stepping forward again and watching as Alec’s eyes darkened.

A loud knocking interrupted the moment.

Mateo stood in the doorway, gazing at Alec with a mildly panicked expression on his face. He looked pale and a long-dormant part of Magnus bristled, wanting nothing more than to pull Alec closer in a gauche display of possessiveness. He was prevented by Alec straightening up and stepping away from him. 

“Matty. What’s up?”

“I -“ his eyes darted to Magnus and he shut himself off abruptly. Magnus sighed.

“Oh yes, Raziel forbid urgent Shadowhunter business be conducted with a _Warlock_ in the room.” 

“Hey.” Alec frowned. “Matty’s not like that. You don’t even know him.”

Magnus’ gaze hardened. “And you seem to know him _very_ well indeed to spring to his defense.” 

Alec threw up his hands in disbelief. “If you’re going to be like this, just go. I’ll talk to you later when you’ve calmed down." 

“Mmmm, I suppose I’m being _over-dramatic_ again,” Magnus said, every word dripping with sarcasm. He couldn’t quite believe Alec had chosen sides like that and was throwing him out yet again.  

“So I guess we’re done putting the past behind us and trying to move on.” Alec glared at him.

“Guess so,” he replied coolly and swept out of the room, gritting his teeth when Mateo pressed himself flat against the doorjamb so he didn’t touch him.

Magnus fumed down the corridors, ignoring the Shadowhunters that swerved out of his way, his fingers crackling with blue energy and his eyes fixed on the floor in front of him until he became aware of a figure that was planted firmly in his path. He stopped and focused.

“Isabelle.”

“I heard you were here. I was going to check on my brother. Magnus, what the hell did you do –“

He raised two fingers and cut her off with a huff. “Isabelle. I apologized to him. For everything.”

She raised her eyebrows and relaxed her stance. She looked as immaculate as ever but he noticed she had been resting her hand on her Seraph Blade. Lilith, he must have looked like he was about to raise hell for Isabelle to feel that threatened.

“So what happened?”

“Mateo happened,” he grit out. 

She looked confused for a moment and then her expression cleared into something more knowing. “Ohhh. That. It’s kinda sweet. Matty will get over it at some point, you know.”

“Yes, but will Alexander?” Magnus said and then regretted it when Isabelle tilted her head and gave him an unimpressed look.

“I thought you knew my brother, Magnus.” She shook her head at him, turned on her heel and walked away, even her hair managing to bounce reprovingly at him.

He stared after her and then mentally kicked himself. What was he doing? Getting annoyed because some young Nephilim was making eyes at Alexander and using that as an excuse to run away before they could talk about their relationship. All because he was afraid of what Alexander might say.

He grimaced ruefully. He was being an insecure jackass, to use Luke’s phrase. He had more faith in them than that. Magnus straightened his shoulders and turned back the way he came, only hesitating when he saw his office door was closed.

He didn’t want to knock and interrupt a briefing. Alec wouldn’t appreciate that, and he wasn’t sure he could be trusted not to lash out at Mateo if he was still there. A small spell then, to look inside. If Alexander was by himself, he’d knock. And if not, he’d wait.

He waved his hand over the thick wood and it cleared, rippling around the edges. Alec was at an angle, gesturing about something. Not alone, then. Magnus’ eyes flicked to Mateo, who was animatedly arguing about whatever they were talking about. Magnus could admit his passion made him even more attractive. He grimaced, about to resign himself to waiting in the hallway, when Mateo stepped forward and Alec straightened up.

Mateo reached up and pushed his fingers through Alec’s hair and pulled him down to kiss him, pressing up against his body. Magnus stopped breathing. There was a moment, frozen in time, where he waited for Alec to push Mateo away, to step back. Instead, Alec’s hands rose, wavered, and then cupped Mateo’s face, his longer fingers pale against Mateo’s skin. Magnus felt like all feeling had been punched out of him. There was no breath in his body, no heartbeat, just emptiness and a hollow ringing sound in his ears and disjointed thoughts racing through his head. Alec was kissing him back. His Alexander. His. His. Oh, Lilith. His hands. He knew how that gesture felt.

An anguished noise broke through his thoughts and Magnus blinked and stepped back, breaking the spell when he realized it came from him. He stared for a moment at the dark wood and then blindly threw a hand behind him to make a portal and stumbled through, sinking onto the rug and clutching at his couch like it was a lifeboat.

It was a different day by the time he moved.

Three days before he allowed Raphael to prise the whiskey glass from his fingers.

Four days before he turned his phone off, waiting for and dreading a call that never came.

Five days before he dragged himself to his door, aggravated by the incessant knocking. Magnus wrenched open the door with a barked “What?!” only to be confronted by a completely drenched Alec. 

“Please,” was all Alec said, and gestured to the crumpled mess he was dragging with one arm. When Magnus focused, it resolved into the shape of Mateo, bleeding all over the hallway. He pulled his gaze back to Alec. His face was losing colour and he staggered against the door, his knees buckling under Mateo’s weight and, as Magnus was beginning to realise with horror, the pain of his own injuries, his black clothing sticky with blood.

“Please,” Alec said again, his voice cracking. “Cat’s on shift and there’s no one else. Please, Magnus, help us. He’s going to die.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, er, sorry for doing that. And also sorry it took me so long to update. For obvious reasons, this chapter was super hard to write and real life got in the way a lot. If it makes everything easier, I think we're only due one more chapter!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which many things are healed, including hearts - or at least, they have begun to heal.

 “Wha-“ is all he managed to get out before Izzy ran up behind Alec and hoisted Mateo up off the floor with some effort.

“Magnus,” she panted. “Thank god.”

He rallied and threw the door open. “Come in. Put him on the couch.” He curled his fingers and a plastic blanket covered the couch. He stood back at they dragged Mateo to it, lying him down and standing back. He was covered in gouges over his chest, barely breathing, groaning in pain with a few words in Spanish too faint for Magnus to catch.

Magnus knelt down next to him and ripped open the remnants of his t-shirt to better see his injuries. “Shush,” he soothed. “You’ll be ok.”

He turned his attention to the Lightwoods, where Izzy was already drawing iratze after iratze on Alec’s arms.

“You’re hurt.” It sounded stupid out loud but it was all he could think of to say.

“I’m ok,” Alec assured him, wincing. “Matty took the brunt of it.”

Magnus nodded, mind on autopilot. “I’m putting you on potion duty. Isabelle, you need to tell me what demon attacked you.” 

“Achaieral”, she said immediately. “Three of them. We had it covered thanks to Alec’s bow, but…”

“But this idiot jumped in front of the last one to protect us,” Alec finished, his voice tight with concern. He was already looking better, regaining colour.

“Right. Alexander, go to my office and fetch two of the medium-sized purple bottle on the lowest shelf by the window. And the small blue vial in the cabinet on the wall. I don’t think he’s been poisoned, but his wounds are deep.”

Alec nodded once and limped to Magnus’ office, disappearing.

“Thank god you were home,” Isabelle said as she knelt next to him, helping to remove the cloth around Mateo’s body. She placed a hand soothingly on his forehead as he jerked, spasming.

“Estará bien,” she said. “Magnus te ayudará.” 

“Magnus?” Mateo croaked. “He hates me.” 

“Even if he did, he’s still gonna help you,” she replied firmly and then shot Magnus a look. He gave her an unimpressed one in return. 

“Stop talking, both of you,” he said. “I know you Shadowhunters court death but really, wasting energy just to state the obvious is a step beyond.” A clinking next to his ear told him Alec had returned. 

“Make him drink one of the purple ones, followed by the blue,” he told Alec without looking at him.  

Alec tilted Mateo’s head up. “It’s gonna be ok, Matty. Magnus makes the best potions of any warlock alive.” Mateo grabbed his hand and looked at Alec imploringly.  

“Don’t you even start saying your last words,” Alec warned him and tipped the first bottle down his throat before he could speak. Mateo choked and spluttered it down but his body stopped shaking as much. Alec uncapped the blue vial with his teeth and poured the small amount of liquid into Mateo’s mouth and he instantly went still, falling into a deep sleep.  

“Good,” Magnus said shortly and got to his feet. He swiped his hands together and readied himself.  

“You’re going to need strength,” Alec said and Magnus jerked his head to look at him, standing there with an open, worried expression.  

“No, Alexander. Well, yes, but not yours. You don’t have enough to give. Take that other potion. It will help with the pain.” Alec set his jaw stubbornly and Magnus sighed.

“There’s a perfectly healthy Shadowhunter standing right next to me,” he said with well-suffered patience and turned to Isabelle. 

“Do you mind?” he asked, but she was already shaking her head. 

“Right,” he muttered, and concentrated on drawing his power together and pulling it into his hands and then began to meticulously knit Mateo’s flesh back together again, starting with the worst of his wounds on his chest where he was losing the most blood. He was dimly aware of Alec puttering around behind him and then disappearing by the door, probably to clean up the blood in the hallway. Alec always like to clean up after himself. He shut out the noise from the open balcony doors and focused on rebuilding muscle and skin, tackling each of the deep gouges left by the demon’s talons. It was messy and hard, and after a while he felt Isabelle’s hand creep into the crook of his elbow and he began to draw on her strength, that angelic energy adding to his tainted blood and infusing him with greater power. Not long now. 

Finally, the last of Mateo’s wounds closed up and Magnus sagged backwards, only to be met by Alec’s chest as his arms curled around both him and Isabelle. 

“It’s ok, I got you,” he murmured and Magnus allowed himself one brief, happy moment where he believed that to be true.  

And then he straightened up.  

Magnus summoned a blanket for Mateo and covered him and then turned to Isabelle, who was swaying on her feet.  

“Come lie down,” he said gently, and guided her to the spare bedroom. He left Alec alone to moon by his boyfriend’s side, he supposed, and ignored the tight feeling in his chest.  

“You’re a good person,” Isabelle mumbled as he kicked off her shoes and got into bed.  

“No better than most,” he told her. 

“Of course you are,” she said and snuggled down under the covers.

“Otherwise Alec wouldn’t love you as much as he does.” 

“I think that time has passed,” he replied after a moment, allowing the bitterness to creep through. 

“Never too late,” she said, grabbing his hand and squeezing it before her eyes slipped closed. He tucked her in and patted her shoulder, marveling at the faith she had in her older brother. She didn’t know, then. Alec hadn’t told her he’d moved on. Well, she’d find out soon enough.

Magnus went back to check on Mateo and was surprised when he couldn’t see Alec with him, but made sure he was comfortable and not bleeding on his ridiculously expensive furniture. 

Finally he made his way wearily to his bedroom, only to find Alec leaning against the wall, waiting for him.

“I ran you a bath,” was all he said. 

Magnus’ chest twinged and he brushed past Alec into his room.

“Isabelle and Mateo can stay but you have to leave.” He didn’t look back at Alec, just moved to his dressing table to start taking off his jewelry, his stomach clenched tight. When he turned around again, Alec was still there, hovering inside the door.

“I kissed Matty,” Alec blurted in a rush. There was a stabbing pain in his chest and then Magnus felt nothing but exhaustion, like a puppet who’s strings had been cut. 

“It’s alright, Alec,” Magnus said tiredly. “I saw. I know you’re together. It makes sense, really. You’re both mortal, you can run the Institute together. The Clave will approve more. I understand.” 

“You saw… Oh, Raziel, Magnus – no, that’s not it at all. I mean, yes, I kissed him back, but we’re not together. I don’t like him like that.” Alec shook his head vehemently, his forehead crinkled in consternation.

Magnus blinked at him, not sure he was hearing that correctly. It had been a long day. “But.. you kissed him,” he replied, bewildered.

A look of deep shame crossed Alec’s face, the tips of his ears turning bright red.

“Yeah – yes. I did. It was wrong, and I stopped it. He’s angry with me, rightly so.”

He bit his lip, worrying it with his teeth, his flush spreading. Magnus waited. He knew the signs of Alec figuring out something he had to say that he didn’t like, or didn’t know the consequences of. He had an urge to stop Alec before he spoke, to throw him out of the loft, to barricade the door and not deal with this at all. But then Alec clenched his jaw and held Magnus’ gaze with wide, earnest eyes, and Magnus bit his tongue.

“I wish you hadn’t seen that. I… I’m not.. I hurt Matty, and I’ve apologised to him. But. I hurt you, by doing that. And I–“

Magnus interrupted him, hearing what he hadn’t said. “But you don’t wish you hadn’t done it. So why did you do it?”

Alec was silent, emotions running over his face too fast for Magnus to identify.

“I thought it would make it hurt less,” he said, haltingly, like he was sounding something out for the first time, and Magnus realized Alec wasn’t talking about just the kiss.

“I thought pushing you away would make the pain go away but it didn’t. And then I didn’t know… how to step back to you.”

Magnus made a scoffing noise deep in his throat.

“Come on, Alexander. I gave you every opportunity, every opening for us to be together again. All you had to do was take that step.”

He raised his eyebrows, and gave Magnus a cool look.

“Oh, is that _all_ I had to do? Just fall back into your arms with the assumption you wouldn’t get cold feet again at the next clash between our worlds?”

Magnus looked away from the hardness of Alexander’s eyes, steeling himself to be honest. He was so tired, the kind of bone-deep weariness that came when he’d used too much magic in one go. A bath and a martini and his bed were all he wanted and yet. He’d still choose having this conversation with Alexander over them every time. 

“I don’t know. I just… honestly, Alec, I woke up and I wanted to be with you more than I wanted to not and it made other things feel irrelevant. Alexander. I care, so much, about the safety of the Downworld. And I know that the Clave does not care. These things… even you can’t argue with.”

Alec said nothing but nodded, his jaw tight. His gaze was wary, his entire body rigid. But Magnus supposed this is what Alec wanted, the airing of each other’s wounds, to pick at the scabs and rub salt in them until they couldn’t hurt anymore. Maybe that’s how they would be free of each other.

“I watched Mateo kiss you and my entire soul screamed at you to not kiss him back. But you did. It would have been kinder to stab me with your Seraph Blade. But it wasn’t… _betrayal_ that I felt, like I did when you kept the truth from me. I felt – oh Alec,” his voice cracked and he unconsciously rubbed his chest.

“You can’t imagine the pain I felt when I saw you’d moved on and had stopped thinking that there could be an ‘us’ again. When you stopped being my Alexander.” 

Alec made a strangled noise of pain deep in his throat and swallowed, his mouth working soundlessly before words would come. When they did, his voice was hollow.

“ _You_ broke up with _me_ , Magnus. You made the decision that I wasn’t your Alexander any more. I know you did it because I betrayed you, but it. That. That wasn’t my decision. Ever.”

“But you kissed him _then_. When I’d apologised. I acknowledged the pain I caused, I said I was wrong to have walked away like that. And then you still kissed him.” He was struck anew by the power Alec held over him, how he had the capacity to level him to his knees with a single gesture, a thoughtless word.

Alec wrinkled his nose. “I didn’t… choose to hurt you, Magnus, it wasn’t… conscious. I didn’t hunt him down to kiss him. I’ve regretted it every second since. I just wanted… I wanted to stop feeling the way I’ve been feeling ever since you left. I was trying to feel whole.”

Magnus was silent for a moment, processing that. He knew, rationally, that Alec was human enough to make mistakes, to think that losing yourself in someone else could ever cover the pain of losing someone that had been special. He would have been a hypocrite not to recognize and forgive that. Rationally. Emotionally, though. There hadn’t been enough whisky he could summon that would wipe that memory.

He sagged onto the edge of the bed gracelessly, to weary to put up a front. “Alright,” he said tiredly, waving his hand. “I. Just, let’s assume at some point I’ll be over it enough to forgive you.” He threw up his palm when Alec opened his mouth to protest.

“Not forgive, you’re right in that you didn’t owe me monogamy. It will just take some time for it not to hurt quite as much.”

“What can I do?” Alec asked softly, dropping to one knee in front of him.

 _Love me_ , he wanted to say. _Choose me_. Instead, he said, “Nothing. There’s not a thing you can do.”

“I hate not doing anything.”

“You seemed to manage it just fine when The Clave told you to keep your mouth shut.” He winced. He hadn’t meant to say that.

“Fuck, Alec…” He dragged one hand over his face and look at him. 

“No, it’s ok.” Alec’s voice was flat, his expression entirely emotionless. “I deserve that. I made a terrible decision and I know what … I understand the consequences. I know that’s why I lost you.”

It was like probing a tooth that wouldn’t stop hurting with your tongue and instead making it worse. Perhaps it was best to pull the damn thing out.

“I took it personally, you see. And reacted accordingly. But I suspect it was a political decision, for you. Your actions regarding the Soul Sword weren’t personal. I think they were ignorant. But not malicious.”

"I wanted to _protect_ you."

"The only way you can protect me is to be honest with me. You have to treat me as an equal."

"I know that now. I didn't mean to take you for granted. I thought we were a team, a partnership."

Magnus opened his mouth to speak but Alec raised his hand. 

"But I can see, now, how that assumption just meant I thought you'd go along with my actions. I'm sorry. I didn't think about – I didn’t think." Alec closed his eyes and hung his head. 

“If it had been anyone other than my dad,” he whispered, his voice cracking. He opened his eyes. “If it had been the Inquisitor or Aldertree or Lydia, I would have told you. But my dad asked. He pleaded. And I couldn’t let him down again.”

Magnus inhaled sharply.

“You have never let your father down, Alexander. He may have been disappointed by your choices or actions, but that’s his response and his responsibility. It’s not yours.”

Alec gave a lopsided shrug that made Magnus’ chest hurt. He had a large book of curses he really had to reread, just in case he ever got stuck in a room with Robert Lightwood for five minutes.

“It doesn’t matter, Magnus. What matters is you. I’m sorry for hurting you. And… fuck, I’m so sorry for coming here tonight.” His eyes widened in horror. “You saw us and I just turned up and asked you to save his life. Which of course you did. You must hate me right now.”

Magnus flicked his eyebrows up briefly. “I’m mostly gratified you didn’t ask anything so insulting like ‘why’.” He gestured with his hand. “But I don’t hate you, Alec. I don’t like your actions very much. Except the bath-running, that’s thoughtful.”

Alec rolled his lips together and nodded. “I should, um, let you take that.” He rose to his feet. 

“You should,” Magnus agreed calmly while his heart, the traitor, lurched at the thought Alec might leave.

“I’ll check on Izzy and Matty,” he said, turned on his heel and strode out of the room. Magnus blinked after him, a little dazed at the abrupt departure. Well. At least there was a bath.

He got up slowly and peeled off his clothing as he made his way to his bathroom. He systematically removed his jewelry, trying not to think about anything. He caught sight of himself in the mirror and grimaced. His make-up had definitely seen better days and he looked gaunt and in need for a day’s sleep. Magnus conjured a cotton pad and started wiping his face, wondering what Alec was telling Isabelle. He wondered if they would leave while he was in the bath. He wondered how much he’d care.

Thankful he’d enchanted his bathtub to hold water at the temperature he loved, he got in, allowing the heat and smell of lavender to start to relax his aching bones and tight muscles, to refill the reservoir of strength he had used during Mateo’s healing. He frowned. Normally when he thought about Mateo he got a pinch in his side, but now. There was nothing, like an empty ache that wasn’t even for him. A few more weeks and he’d be pitying the boy.

The image of Alec kissing him was still fresh in his mind, but it played out differently in his head now. Alec seemed more desperate than passionate, clutching at Mateo like he was an answer to something Mateo didn’t even understand. 

It hurt, still. It would always hurt, he thought and then a new image rose unbidden to his mind: the look of utter loss and desolation on Alec’s face as he turned to walk away.

Some hurts can only be forgiven and not forgotten. 

He allowed himself to drift for minutes, idly maintaining the bubbles with small waves of magic, slowly feeling more put together. He was startled out of his meditation by a knock on the door, and Magnus reflexively called out ‘Come in’ before his mind had even registered that it was Alec’s knock. Alec eased around the door and closed it behind him and stood, pressed against it, resolutely looking nowhere but Magnus’ face even if all the bubbles were doing a good job of hiding anything untoward.

“I, um. I can’t make a martini. But I can pour vodka over ice.” He held out a glass and Magnus stared at it for a second before reaching out slowly to take it. He didn’t trust his voice until he’d cleared his throat.

“Thank you, Alexander.”

“I’ve called Simon. He’s bringing his van, and we’ll take Matty back tonight. I don’t want. Well. I figured you’d prefer fewer Shadowhunters in the morning. We’ll get out of your hair.”

Magnus made a pleased sound and slid further under the water, sipping at his drink while he watched Alec.

“Finally a good decision, Alec. There might be hope for you yet.”

“Really. We’re going to talk about good judgment right now,” Alec shot back flatly, instantly back on the defensive.

He raised his eyebrows in reproach. “Touché. I did just let in my ex-boyfriend to save the life of the man he just made out with, what _was_ I thinking?”

“Magnus.” Alec stepped away from the door, his hands already trying to form patterns in the air. “No, I. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry for doing that-“

“Oh, relax,” Magnus gestured and took another sip. “I’m teasing you. I’m able to do that right now, there’s vodka and a bath. You, however, are not allowed to tease about any of this for quite some time.”

The corners of Alec’s mouth twitched like he was trying not to smile.

“Deal,” he said. 

“Until you make better choices with your life,” Magnus finished pointedly.

Alec sigh and threw up his hands in frustration. “I kissed him back. I made a split-second decision that, you know what, I don’t regret. I don’t, Magnus. Because I kissed him and it was so clear that all I wanted was you and I can’t change that.”

His voice rose in pitch and volume and Magnus, perversely, felt energized by Alec working himself into a righteous fury. For some reason, it gave him hope that Alec hadn’t given up on them, that there was still something there they could fight for.

“Why didn’t you find me before tonight?”

Alec gestured widely with his hands, pacing, his expression still haunted. “I did! I came over and Raphael told me to fuck off. I assumed that meant we were still fighting! I wanted to give us enough space so we could have an actual conversation. It turns out I can love you and still be pissed off with you at the same time.”

He became aware he was staring up at Alec with his mouth agape, feeling blindsided yet again by this Nephilim. This infuriating, hurtful, traitorous, proud, tenacious Nephilim. 

“I..” he floundered, trying to find the words, his mouth forming ones he dared not speak yet. His last lesson in love, this messy, raw kind of love, had been Etta and that had been recent enough, by his standards, to still hurt on rainy days.

“I should get out of this bath before I can talk about that,” he finally settled on as harmless enough.

Alec nodded, his jaw tight, and he turned to leave, puling open the door.

“But – I’d like it if you waited for me outside. So we could talk some more.”

He watched as Alec’s shoulders relaxed for a moment and then reset themselves in a different rigid position, his body tensing again. 

“Uh, sure.” Alec closed the door softly behind him and Magnus let out a sigh and downed his drink. What on earth was he to do with Alec? He didn’t even know if it was his place anymore. He started to pull the arguments together in his head and then stopped.

What was he even arguing for and against? He closed his eyes and _felt_. He was in love with Alec. Being in love with Alec meant trusting him with his heart. With his future. He’d been ready to do that when he’d gone to apologise. And if Alec hadn’t actually moved on – if he still loved him like he claimed... His eyes flew open and he took a deep breath. All it took was a little willingness and a leap of faith for both of them.

When he emerged from his bathroom he was clad respectably in silk pyjama trousers, his silk robe tied tight enough around him to feel like protection, no matter how stupid that was. He wasn’t going to face Alec without make-up either, hastily snapped on even though he hated doing that.

He couldn’t see Alec at first and his heart sunk at the thought he might have left after all, but then he caught sight of his hair and saw he’d sat himself down on the floor and was leaning against the bed. Magnus supposed it seemed the least intimate place to wait, but it oddly reminded Magnus of when Alec had hidden on his fire escape. He calmly walked to him and then dropped to the floor as well, sitting cross-legged in front of him.

“I don’t even know how we got here,” Alec said eventually, looking exhausted.

Magnus tilted his head to one side and regarded him thoughtfully, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest.

“Why did you leave in the first place?”

Alec blinked at him incredulously and then laughed, ragged and wet.

“You tried to stop loving me.”

Magnus hung his head, nodding in acknowledgement, his fingertips stroking rhythmically over the silk.  

“I had no chance of success. That was my foolish pride over-riding my sense. I find it unthinkable that I even tried.” 

“I get it, Magnus. But that’s why I left. Because watching you turn away from me and walk away… I had to push that image away. And that meant pushing you away.” 

His hand crept over Magnus’ and stilled his movement. “And now…” he trailed off.

Magnus looked up. “And now?” he prompted. Alec gave a half-hearted shrug. 

“I can’t get past this question that I keep going over and over in my mind. It’s the same one that’s been there since the beginning.”

“Which is?”

“How can we ever trust each other again?” Alec whispered and look horrified at having uttered it. But Magnus noticed his shoulders relaxed like a weight had eased. There you go, he thought. That will make Alec sleep better tonight.

“And I feel like I have no right to question that when I kept the Soul Sword from you and you seem to be willing to try again, but. That’s what it is. That’s all that’s in my head. I went away to try to work it out but I don’t know what the thing is that will make that trust happen again.”

Magnus rolled his lips together to keep from smiling. Because of course that’s what’s been keeping Alexander at arm’s length from him. Of course Alec was searching for that sign, that solution, that magic word that fixes all this again. Of course he was, because he didn’t know any better. 

“Darling. The thing about trust is that it’s a choice. It’s a leap of faith. It’s like love. To maintain it you have to want it, to choose it, every day. I’m not saying be blind to faults and I’m not saying that it’s the only thing that works, but.” He took a deep breath and cupped Alec’s face.

“I’m still in love with you. And I’m choosing to trust you again, with my heart, with me, With my life, if it comes to that. I’m choosing to trust that you will continue to grow and follow your heart and ignore the privilege that comes from being part of the Clave’s society of Nephilim. I love you enough to want to work on that with you. And I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, this trust. Sometimes I’ll have to ask for help. And so will you. But it’s my choice and I commit to it.”

There was nothing but the sound of their breathing and the look on Alec’s face, awed in wonder. He watched as Alec licked his mouth, trying to take in breaths to steady him, could practically hear the thrum of Alec’s heart, beating too fast. 

“That’s it? That’s all I have to do? Is just... choose to trust you again and this all works out? That’s going to fix this… voice I have in the back of my head that tells me you’ll leave the moment another crisis appears?”

He felt the muscle in his cheek twitch as he struggled to push the guilt aside. He wondered how long he’d be paying for that. “No, my love. That fear - that only goes away over time. Loving people despite that fear, that’s the hard part. That’s the effort we have to make, every day, for each other. That’s what you have to think about. If you can do that. If I’m worth it.”

“You’re worth it,” Alec said immediately, his hand rising to grasp Magnus’ hand and pressed a kiss to his palm. Magnus shivered.  “You’re so worth all that and more.”

“But?”

Alec exhaled. “I don’t know if there’s a ‘but’. I know that… it’s not fair to you or me if I’m second-guessing you all the time or waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t want to live in fear of me messing up. Again.”

“You will,” Magnus interrupted. “You’ll mess up and so will I. But. This time I promise to talk it out with you, no matter how mad I get. And to not just walk away.” He swallowed, holding his gaze. He didn’t want to say the next words, but he knew he must.

“But I don’t want us to be together if you’re always waiting for me to leave. That’s a half-life. It can never last, having one foot out the door of the relationship already.”

“I know,” Alec said, looking away. He squeezed his eyes shut and then brought Magnus’ hand back to his mouth, kissing it again before letting it go. Then he rose to his feet a little unsteadily and gave Magnus a soft crooked smile.

“I. I have to think about that, Magnus. I’m sorry. It’s how I am. I need time – not like before, but I have to think about this.”

“Over-think,” Magnus corrected, trying to force his expression into something resembling anything other than the desolation he felt. 

“Probably.” Alec admitted. Magnus waited for him to leave but he hovered instead, so Magnus got up as well and waited. 

“What is it Alexander?”

Alec fiddled with the hem of his shirt, not meeting Magnus’ eyes. It made him look unbearably vulnerable.

“I, um. Oh, never mind.” 

“Tell me,” Magnus says gently. 

“It’s too much to ask.” He shook his head even as he took one step towards Magnus.

“Why don’t you let me judge that for myself?”

Alec stepped even closer to him, dipping his head almost nervously. Pink rose high on his cheekbones and Magnus stared, entranced.

“I can’t stop thinking that I don’t want the last person I kissed to not be you. It doesn’t feel right.” 

Magnus’ gaze was drawn, magnetized, to Alec’s mouth, and then he looked up again, into his darkening eyes. The air between them seemed to thicken, and the hairs on Magnus’ arms rose.

“That’s a lot to ask of me,” he replied in a low voice.

“Too much to ask?”

Magnus held his gaze for a few long seconds, before slowly shaking his head. 

“No, Alexander. That’s not too much to ask at all.” He stepped forward, telegraphing every move he made. Alec stayed completely still, barely breathing. He could have been the hunter before he took the shot, or he could have been the deer.

Magnus reached out slowly and placed both hands on Alec’s forearms, feeling the heat of his skin through the thin cotton shirt he was wearing, and let them slide up his arms. His body followed into Alec’s space until it was almost touching him. Alec’s eyes got wider and darker as Magnus kept raising his hands until one curled round the back of Alec’s neck, sliding over the soft strands of hair. He felt Alec quiver at his touch, and when he reached up on his toes to press his mouth softly, whisper soft, to Alec’s own, he could feel the rapid fluttering of his heart.

It wasn’t enough, that gentle touch of lips, the smell of cordite that came from the demon attack, the salt-tang of blood layered over it but underneath, the smell of Alec, the taste of his breath.

He pulled back to search Alec’s eyes and felt a wave of relief when he found warmth and apprehension in their darkness, almost gold in the lamplight. Magnus tilted his head up again, coaxing Alec’s mouth open to sweep his tongue into that welcoming heat, slowly deepening the kiss, allowing himself to get lost in the sweetness of it. When Alec broke the kiss, Magnus chased his mouth before remembering and he became aware of how close they were, close enough he could feel the thrum of Alec’s pulse under his palm and the comforting solidity of his body. He untangled his fingers from Alec’s hair and stepped back, ignoring the impulse to adjust himself, or worse yet, continue to tumble back into the fantasy. He ran his thumb over his lip to keep Alec’s kiss there, and looked up at him.

Alec was panting lightly, looking dazed, a mirror image of his farcical wedding, like he had no idea how he’d gotten there. Magnus felt his stomach flip, that bubble of promise threatening to overwhelm his heart like it had that day so many months ago.

Alec opened his mouth but no sound came out. Magnus smiled and cupped his face in his palm.

“Did Mateo kiss you like that, Alexander?”

Alec cleared his throat, his jaw working for a moment. When his voice came out, it was rough.

“The only person who’ll ever kiss me like that is you.”

Magnus took a shaky breath and tried not to sway closer to Alec, resisting the desire to kiss him again and again, to take him apart so thoroughly he’d forget his own name, let alone Mateo’s.

“You have to go,” he said reluctantly. Alec didn’t answer or pull his gaze from Magnus’ mouth.

“Alec,” he said again, a little louder, and Alec shook himself.

“Yes. Right. We have to leave. I… can I come back?”

Magnus blinked at him. “Alexander. You can always come back.” The ‘to me’ went unspoken but not unheard. 

Alec shuddered again, his hand reaching out and then falling back. He looked like he was wrenching himself away, every movement a struggle.  

“I will then. Later.”

Magnus only nodded, not trusting his mouth to betray him if he tried to talk again. He turned away before he had to watch Alec walk away and out of his sight. He remained standing where he was, tuning out their murmured voices, until he heard the soft click of the lift door behind them and then he threw himself across the bed and hugged a pillow to his chest. 

His head swam and not for the first time he wished the Pensieve from Harry Potter actually existed because being able to separate his thoughts would be really wonderful in situations like this. He summoned a glass of brandy and sipped it rather more thirstily than he should.

He kept cycling from hope to anger to hurt to anxiousness and back to hope again as he ran over the events of the night in his mind. He thought that perhaps he’d forgiven Alec, but he also knew he hadn’t promised to forget. And maybe this time Alec had listened and learned, and maybe he had as well, reminded Alec he was worth it. Maybe this time Alec wouldn’t pull away and they could figure this out together. Perhaps perhaps perhaps. It was all too much of a gamble for him to relax. He squeezed his eyes shut, muttered a short spell and fell into a restless sleep, still clutching a pillow.

It had been before dawn by the time the trio had left but Magnus couldn’t stay asleep for long, waking from his light doze at what, to everyone else, would be a reasonable hour, but to him was downright painful. He drew the curtains and looked down to the streets below, filled with people hurrying to work, black umbrellas with a few colourful ones bobbing down the sidewalks. It was a bleak day; thick, soft raindrops falling steadily, forming a low drone on the edge of his hearing that was both irritating and comforting at the same time, like a memory he’d had and lost. 

He took his time getting up and choosing what to wear, finally deciding on a dark gold cashmere sweater and tight black jeans, opting for comfort over elegance. He’d likely spend the day alone with nothing but the rain for company so it wasn’t even worth overdoing his make-up; instead opting for smudging kohl around his eyes and lightly contouring. He was finishing when he felt someone pass through his wards to enter the building. Well, he looked presentable at least, in case that was Cat coming over before her shift to see how he was doing. Magnus put down the brush and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He had no idea how he’d go about answering even the most basic ‘how are you?’ 

He shook himself out of it and wiped his hands on a towel, and walked out of his room – and stopped dead. Alec was standing in his doorway, water dripping from his hair, out of breath as if he’d run there, his eyes roaming the loft until they landed on Magnus. His gaze burned through him.

“Alexander,” he managed in a strangled tone. “What are you doing here so soon?” 

“Blowing up the ground I’m standing on,” was all Alec said as he strode across the room and captured Magnus’ face in his hands to kiss him. Magnus made a startled noise into his mouth and then wound his arms around Alec’s neck, heedless of the mess the rain was making of his clothes. The familiarity of the kiss diffused warmth through his veins anyway, fighting the chill Alec had brought inside with him.

Alec broke the kiss and rested his forehead against Magnus’, breathing heavily.

“I don’t want to stop loving you, Magnus. I don’t think I can. Please tell me you haven’t changed your mind. Please say we can try again."

Elation spread through him like wildfire, pushing away the disbelief. He nodded, trembling, unable to speak, and pulled him down again. It was a messy kiss, desperate with need and unspoken words and all the love Magnus felt poured into it, licked over Alec's tongue, nipped into Alec's lip. 

His fingers scrabbled for Alec's shirt, pushing the fabric up so he could splay his hands wide over his back, feeling the muscles there and pressing his fingers in just to taste the groan Alec made in response. Alec's nails dug into the nape of his neck, making him shiver. 

“I missed you. I missed this,” Alec whispered and Magnus nodded, swallowing around the lump in his throat.

“So did I. You’ll stay?” 

“I’ll stay,” Alec nodded. “I’ll stay for as long as you’ll have me.”

Magnus laughed, a little wet and ragged round the edges. “You can’t promise me that. And you know it.”

“As long as I’m alive then,” Alec said, his eyes aglow with stubbornness. “My heart hasn’t been my own since you turned up at the wedding. It beats only for you. You must know that. If this is a choice, then that’s what I want you to choose to trust. That everything I am is yours.”

“You say things like that and you unmake me,” Magnus murmured and kissed him again, until he’d forgotten all sense of time, entwined in Alec’s arms in the middle of the loft. Eventually their kisses turned into brushes of their lips, slow movements of their fingers over skin until Alec broke the kiss to give a jaw-cracking yawn and Magnus began to laugh.

“Come on,” he tugged Alec back into his room. “We should both get some rest – unless you have to go back to the Institute?”

Alec shook his head. “I left Jace in charge and Izzy’s watching over Matty. You have me, phone call free unless it’s the actual apocalypse, for twenty four hours.”   

Magnus made a pleased sound and pulled back the covers. “I know we need to talk some more. Work some things out. But I really, really want to wake up next to you.” 

Alec knelt forward onto the bed and tugged Magnus closer to kiss him again. “Every bed felt wrong,” he confessed, and Magnus took a breath and snapped his fingers, leaving them both bare except for underwear.

“Undressing would take up valuable time,” he explained to Alec’s expression, beginning to smile.

“Did you at least banish them somewhere in the loft?” Alec asked, getting into bed and sliding down underneath the covers.

“Trivialities,” he said airily and wrapped himself as much as he could around Alec to press openmouthed kisses over his jaw and trailing down his neck. The feeling of his body against his own was familiar but still sent a thrill through his veins, and he allowed himself the pleasure of feeling Alec’s skin under his palms, sliding over his arms and raking his fingers through his chest hair.

Alec squirmed, hands already clutching at Magnus’ arms, and dropped his head down to catch Magnus’ mouth again. Magnus allowed himself to sink into the warmth of Alec’s embrace, ignoring the way his body wanted to respond to the slide of Alec’s half-hard cock over his own.

“I’m too tired to fool around,” Alec acknowledged and then yawned again as if to underscore his point. “But later. If you wanted to.”

“I want to do everything with you,” Magnus said, brushing Alec’s hair back from his face and smiling. “We have twenty four hours. I can fit at least two rounds of lovemaking in there somewhere.” 

“Only two, huh?” Alec replied with a raise of one eyebrow and started laughing when Magnus playfully pinched one of his arms.

“I can do anything you want me to.” His arms tightened around Alec and he moved closer to rest his head on Alec’s shoulder, settling down. “You came home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming with me through this angst-ridden story! I really wrote this in response to a lot of things I didn’t understand in season 2B, like why Alec didn’t tell Magnus about the Soul Sword and why Magnus thought he had to choose between the Downworld and Alec in the first place, and then why he changed his mind the moment the threat was gone. To me, it made no sense - but that’s because people make no sense. People don’t make rational decisions and they lie to themselves and it was somehow important to me to show that that happens to these characters as well. 
> 
> In this fandom, I find we idolise these characters to the point of needing them to be perfect or to smooth things over quickly or to take sides and demonise the other person. For me, nothing should ever be that black and white. (Except Nazis. Fuck Nazis.)
> 
> There might be things you disagree with in terms of character in this story, but I really wanted to show that love is sometimes hurtful, ugly and not enough. For me, love is a choice and something you work at every day because it makes you a better person to be in love with that person. 
> 
> If you’d like to read a story with similar themes told in an an infinitely more eloquent way, please go check out @bumblebeesknees [Reconstruction](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13103397%20), which is fabulous. 
> 
> In case anyone cares, these songs were on repeat while I wrote this:
> 
> Supercut: Lorde  
> Too Much to Ask: Niall Horan  
> Genesis: Dua Lipa
> 
> Oddly, all these songs are from Alec’s perspective.
> 
> I also posted this while jetlagged after flying to India, so if it's weird or has major errors, that's why,

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first multi-chaptered non-canon WIP fic. I have an outline, and a plan, but no schedule. 
> 
> And yes, this fic will at some point include the possibility of Alec with someone else. No, this isn't a 'let's punish Magnus' fic. Promise. 
> 
> The rating will go up at some point, new tags will be added. Please come hit me up on Tumblr :)


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